So I recently took a big step and tried to get in touch with my dad. I havent seen him or spoken to him since he decided to not show up for our day out and then never called again. I was sitting at home after school, I had rushed home and changed and then sat on the sofa and waited, and waited........and waited. I seem to recall my mum getting a message from him and telling me he had canceled but didnt say why. After that we waited to hear from him but I never did. He came round once while I was out and he and my mum spoke but that was it. I never got a birthday card or a phonecall again.
Around the age of 8 I started having panic attacks and over the years they only got worse. When my dad stopped coming round, everything took a nose dive. I started getting depressed, my panic attacks were becoming more regular and I found it hard to talk to people. I mean at this point I didnt really know what was going on and I didnt tell anyone because I thought I was going insane. My mum knew about a couple of the panic attacks because they happened in front of her but I kept everything else to myself.
When you hit double figures you really start caring what people think about you, If you look good and you think about what bands you should like. So I never told anyone I just pretended that it never happened. I thought if people knew they would think I was mad and that would mean I wouldn't have any friends. So i done what everyone else was doing and ended up in a lot of situations I wasn't really comfortable with but went along with them anyway.
It wasn't until I was about 21 that I started really talking about it I had been to the doctors before but never took their advice because I was in a state where I thought 'what was the point?'. I went to counselling and it turns out I have serious trust issues which is why i find it hard to talk to new people or just socialise with anybody I'm not always around.
Ive been called a rude bitch, inconsiderate and god knows what else all because I tend to be quiet and I get really shy with new people. I never thought that my dad would make such a huge impact on me but just from that one day, I find I am constantly paranoid that people don't like me. I always feel that I have done something wrong or If something does go wrong it was somehow my fault. I am an absolute nightmare.
Now after having the counselling I thought maybe If i tried we might be able to salvage a fraction of our relationship and not be like it was when i was a child but at least be on talking terms. I have two sisters, a brother and three nephews who I never see and it would be nice to talk to them. I have a feeling that he probably wont get back to me but at least then I have tried and I know that I tried. The ball will be in his court and if he doesn't get back to me I can move on and get on with my life.
I know people still think I'm strange seeking escapes form comic books, game and fantasy worlds, some of them being my family and a lot of people think its strange that sometimes I don't want to go out, sometimes I just want to kill some zombies or go on a quest, but that's another thing I have just had to accept. It was hard when people would laugh in my face or throw things at me or tell others I wanted to be a vampire because I said I liked Buffy the vampire slayer but its easier now.
There are a lot of people who have gone through similar problems or worse and I know that people can make them feel and think that they are abnormal. We as a society seem to have a stigma against those with any mental problems, people avoid them try not to talk to them or talk to them like children. Its hard to face people when you think they are just going to judge you and make you feel worse than you already do.
Fingers crossed my dad does get back to me and we can sort something out but as I said I'm not going to hold my breath.
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